| its okay to cry corral |
[09 Oct 2006|08:37pm] |
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mood |
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 apathetic |
] |
i'm really loney lately in the boyfriend department. as lame and pathetic as it sounds, i hate not having a boyfriend. i realized that i'm one of "those" girls that needs to rely on that guy to cuddle with and make out with and do all that boyfriend/girlfriend stuff with. it literally eats me up inside that i don't have a boyfriend. every guy that i'm friends with and know and think is like attractive and that stuff has a girlfriend already. and what sucks more is that i don't want to be that desperate girl that goes out just to look for a guy, cause that never works and is stupid. they always say though that you find love where you least exspect it. but i don't want to wait anymore. i can't stand it anymore. it's all i ever think about and i fucking hate it.
something more important that has got me really wrecked is this feeling of un-importance. i feel like i have no point in this world. like i'm just taking up space. i don't have a major. i don't have anything that i want to do as a future job after college(thus the no major thing). i don't even want kids when i someday get married. these are things that give people a sense of meaning to life. these are things people aspire for in life, and i don't have any of them. i was just laying in bed one night thinking about this, and i really had no solution to them. the kids things is an issue because i really can't stand kids(as everyone i'm close to knows. and my feelings on that really aren't going to change). plus most guys want to have kids after they get married, so that's a whole nothing issue of find a guy that shares my views on not wanting kids ever. i tried to think of things to fix this feeling of self un-importance, but i really can't. i just really feel like i have no point in life what so ever, and it's a really really shitty feeling if anyone else has ever exsperienced it in their lifetime. this is why i feel so apathetic most of the time inside.
college is supposed to help find out who you are and what you want in life. college has ust made me feel like i have nothing to give bak to the world. i'm just taking up space.
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| time goes by so fast |
[10 Jun 2006|08:53pm] |
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mood |
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apathetic |
] |
i can't believe that we will all be graduating on friday. it seems like just yesterday that we were freshmen just coming into high school. now were all going off to college.
summer is going to be crazy this year. hopefully there will be a lot of parties and such before i leave.
if anyone wants to come stay with me and annie at arcadia it's an open invitation.
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| fuck yeah!!!! |
[07 Apr 2006|02:37pm] |
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mood |
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 ecstatic |
] |
if you haven't heard i got into my first choice for college: Arcadia University.
i'm soooo fucking psyched. i honestly couldn't be happier right now.
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| ...and then it hits me... |
[20 Mar 2006|02:30pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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apathetic |
] |
this feeling that i have right now is like getting hit by a speeding car and lying in the street. and then the car backs up.
or getting stabbed in the heart. and then having the person twist the knife around a few times.
or getting sucked into the ocean and just churning around underwater trying to pull your way to the surface. then you get to exhausted from fighting the current, so you just give up.
i just have this great feeling of apathy in my body and mind. i'm really excited and looking forward to things that are coming up, but right now in this moment i just feel like i'm fighting some losing battle against myself. apathy is almost like a friend to me. when i'm with friends or other people, it's gone. but when i'm by myself, i have no feeling about anything. i just want to drift away from where ever i am by any means. i sit by myself at the beach, and just sit and think about sad i am inside sometimes. how i take everything to heart, and are just an over sensative person.
that usually makes me feel better. but most times it doesn't and i end up feeling pathetic.
i need a psychiatrist.
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| i'm not dead |
[17 Mar 2006|01:34pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 restless |
] |
finally i'm not sick anymore. i've had a kidney infection since last saturday, which was the worst thing ever. i was in soo much pain, and couldn't eat anything. i'll be back on monday for those who missed me. i'm reallllly sorry to annie, katie, and jess about that mr. m's project. i did it so don't worry. i just hope you guys weren't pissed that i wasn't there to present or anything. i'll def do it on monday, if you guys haven't presented already.
i'm actually looking forward to coming back to school. there's nothing to do alll day when you're hella sick like. i haven't been outside since saturday. i just sit home all day by myself. lame.
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| i give up... |
[11 Mar 2006|12:44am] |
| [ |
mood |
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sick |
] |
it's the worst feeling in the world when nothing you want ever goes your way. whether it's with people or life or anthing.
i didn't get into any of the colleges i applied to. i'll admit it, it's a really shitty feeling to get that letter saying "sorry but you're just not what we want right now...blah blah blah." it makes me feel like all the work i did at school was for nothing. it sucks.
i hate when you're trying to be friends with a guy and they act like they're better than you or something. all i'm trying to do it be cool with them and be friends, and they act like i should be grateful that i'm even allowed to talk to them. 2 guys have done that to me in the past like 2 weeks. that's so degrating. i have low self-esteem as it is, i really don't need that.
it's been making me sick to my stomache. i keep throwing up, it's awful.
i can't take much more of this shit. it depresses me sooo much.
i'm so emo...i hate it.
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| spring break '06 baby |
[06 Mar 2006|02:56pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
peaceful |
] |
this week should be very rad.
cait has graciously offered to drive me to school for the rest of the week so i don't have to sit in cafe 3 for an hour. and we're planning a breakfast thing on wednesday which will be a fun time.
i can't wait for it to get warmer. i love going to the beach at night during the spring and summer. it's so peaceful just sitting there enjoying the clear sky, and the sound of the waves.
so if anyone wants to chill at the beach at night, just give me a call. i'm always up for it.
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| everyone loves v.d |
[13 Feb 2006|01:00pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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calm |
] |
i'm sooo glad it snowed. i needed a 3 day weekend. and to go sledding.
valentine's day is tomorrow as everyone knows. annie and i bought these heart belts at aeropostle over the weekend to wear tomorrow. they're silly of course.
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| are you kidding me |
[23 Jan 2006|11:38am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 pissed off |
] |
i had a lot of fun this weekend. i'm driving more and more places everyday, and i couldn't be happier about it. i realized also though that i have a shopping problem. i buy way too much on impulse. i did buy a really cute jean skirt though from hollister.
i've been seeing steve alot more too since i've learned to drive out on the open road.
and i also found out that joe pank. and john p. were talking about me behind my back which pissed me off sooo freakin' bad. we ran into one of steve's friends and he was like "oh you're arielle. joe pank. and john p. told me you look like A.L.F." i fucking freaked out. who the hell do they think they are. fuck both of them. they can go to hell.
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| this day sucks |
[20 Jan 2006|03:06pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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crushed |
] |
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
okay. i feel better after that yell.
i work my ass off and try my best in all my classes and i still get shit grades. it's the worst feeling ever when you try so hard and have nothing to show for it. i don't even know why i bother sometimes. people who don't do anything in some of my classes get better grades than me. i'm not an over acheiver or anything like that but when i do everything i can and it's still not good enough, it just makes me feel hopeless.
i'm really happy for everyone that got into their colleges. i just don't understand why i didn't hear from any of mine. i even put my applications in early and i still haven't heard anything from a single one. i don't think that's a very good sign.
great.
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| a battle of who could care less |
[14 Dec 2005|03:51pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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relaxed |
] |
i hate that feeling you get when you are soo uncomfortable in your own skin. like nothing you wear looks good, even though it used to be like your favorite shirt or pair of pants to wear. it's such a weird feeling.
anyway....
if i had a million dollars, i'd buy you a green dress but not a real green dress, that's cruel.
i love the way just coming home to an empty house feels.
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| hell has frozen over |
[04 Dec 2005|11:37am] |
| [ |
mood |
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complacent |
] |
all those days i drove around in the old food town parking lot have paid off.
i now have my liscense.
now all i need is to learn how to drive on the road with other cars.
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| i'm just choking on all the alright |
[11 Nov 2005|02:19pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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sick |
] |
i hate myself
i'm so fucking pissed off and upset about everything, and yet i still feel apathetic about everything. that makes so sense.
i just want to choke myself until i pass out. i'm making myself sick to my stomache.
everything i ever say and do never feels good enough to me.
i just don't care anymore, i give up. i suck.
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| bite me |
[05 Nov 2005|02:21pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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giddy |
] |
i finally took the SAT's today. it def wasn't as bad as they make it seem in movies and on t.v shows. i think (hope) i did alright.
i can't fucking wait to graduate.
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| you're so cute when you're slurring your speech |
[20 Sep 2005|02:54pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 enthralled |
] |
a lot of good things are coming up to look forward to:
-i'll be 18 (finally) on thursday and going to dinner with my boy.
-there's party's to look forward to in october.
-i'm taking my drivers test (very hopefully) in december.
-i'm going to look at some colleges to apply to also.
and there's so much more stuff to think about in the coming months. these are just the few best things. i thought senior year was gonna suck, but it's turning out to be a good year. it's the friends you have that really make or break your school year. but my friends are all hella rad, so of course this year is gonna kick ass.
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| schedule time |
[01 Sep 2005|10:34pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 anxious |
] |
1-american society
2-trig
3-gym
4-lunch first half of the year then citizens-law
5-genetics first half of the year then lunch
6-latin I
7-chorus
8-english IV-H
If you are in any of these classes with me please please let my know, so i know that i'm not going to be all by my lonesome this year.
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| warped tour '05 |
[15 Aug 2005|11:08am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 energetic |
] |
yesterday was rad beyond belief.
annie, jay, the twins(chris and ryan), jess linkin, and i all went to warped tour yesterday. we were stuck in traffic for at least 3 hours. that sucked but when we got there is was def worth all the wait. we missed a lot of bands though; such as fall out boy. :sadness:
also, it was hotter than hell out. within the first hour of being there, we were soaked with sweat. everyone there was all sweaty though, so it was okay. we saw millincolin, a little of my chemical romance (me and annie were really far away), the offspring, and transplants.
seeing transplants was the greatest experience ever. jay, annie, and me all pulled up to the front after the offspring played. we were really close. everyone was all pushed in so it was a little tight and sweaty. all the crowd sufers landed like right on our heads. i got knocked down a few times, my cartilage earing got ripped out (annie found it though, and we all got kicked in the head alot. it's not as bad as i thought it would be to have someone land on you. it was just amazing, period.
after, we all went to checkers and had a grand old time. i def want to go again next year.
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| peachy keen |
[03 Aug 2005|02:05pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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hot |
] |
sadly, summer is almost over. i know i prob sound like the big downer here, what with the talk of school starting soon. but i'm actually kind of looking forward to school starting. it's going to be an easy year. i also miss english class (wow, that sounded really lame). i just miss reading new books and discussing them and such. i love doing that.
blah. i hate how it's like a billion degrees outside right now. that's something that sucks about the summer. heat.
warped tour is in a few weeks, and i'm excited about going. hopefully we won't get lost on the way there though.
my b-day is also next month, which is another reason i kind of want summer to be over. i'll finally be the big 1-8. it's not as rad as turning 21, but it's a start on finally being an adult.
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| hot as hell |
[29 Jun 2005|12:49pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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hyper |
] |
this summer has been fun so far. i've been hanging out with john p. alot lately. we've just been going to the beach and stuff. he's a really cool friend.
i went to a ska show last night and it was rad. i only went to see cheech's band cause i heard they were good. and they really were. when all the other bands started playing everyone just hung out in the parking lot. it was a really good night.
this summer started off better than i thought it would. the only bad thing so far is that steve and i aren't together anymore. it was really hard to tell him that things aren't working out anymore and that we should see other people, but he didn't seem to care that much. oh well. i'm young and a senior and i should get to have some fun. so that's that with him.
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| ranting and raving |
[04 Jun 2005|03:50pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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crushed |
] |
i was just at the beach with annie (which was dead) and we talked about all the rad parties at mike's house, and all the good old times we had. it made me realize that i never hang out with anyone anymore.i know that it's probably my fault that i never see anyone besides annie outside of school, and it makes me sad. we say hi in the hallway and talk in class, but it's just like we're aquantances. like we never hung out at the mall, or went to a party together, or the beach in the summer.
i know i can be a bitch sometimes and make a big deal out of things, but i really wish things could be like they used to be. everyone's moving forward together, and i'm staying behind by myself. the only people i hang out with are annie, and steve and his friends. it can be really fun sometimes, but it's always like i'm just bothering everyone cause i'm the only girl.
i miss having friends of my own.
and i especially miss
mike
jess
lauren
cait
christina
and kelly even.
i don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. i just wanted to say how i felt.
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